Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize