This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
