You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
