Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize