I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I need to align my fucking chakras
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
