So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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