exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
