I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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