nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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