I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
