I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
