when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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