I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
