I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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