i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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