I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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