i think my mom watched the whole time
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
