So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
