I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
