Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
