So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
