WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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