I think I died a long time ago.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
