i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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