I think scott just propositioned me for sex
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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