dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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