took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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