Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
