nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this boner is exhausting
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
