Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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