im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
