i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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