I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
