I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
