I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
