We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm too high and old for this...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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