So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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