Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize