Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize