I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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