I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
