so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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