I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
