I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
