I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
