dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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