Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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