i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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