He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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