Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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