I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
