So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
