i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
