the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
