Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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