I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
