I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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