I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Randomize
