T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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