Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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