I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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