Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
