You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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